Preface

 

Do you remember your wedding day? Do you remember your hopes, dreams and your belief that this partner would be yours forever? You each made promises. Promises that are now broken. How do you honor what was in your hearts and intentions that distant day while you are walking the path of separation and divorce? That is the question this book endeavors to answer.

 

As a life coach and energy worker, I don’t heal my clients, per se. I show them alternate paths and teach them new skills. They have, within themselves, all of the answers they need. I help them to increase their strengths and find their courage. When my clients are able to put aside fear and move forward with heart, they find that a new world opens up for them to witness and enjoy. They all possess the strength, courage and wisdom to follow this difficult path, but they must make the pro­active and self-empowering choice to live their lives differently and to see life through a new set of glasses.

 

My work is to help people change their sabotaging habits and patterns. In this book we look carefully at the whole process and the whole per­son. We are complicated beings. We have a physical body that seems to comprise much of our value, but the truth is that we are far more than our physical form. Being human, versus robots, we have feelings and they can be difficult to own and express. You will learn to talk about your emotions and what to do with them. In the course of this book, we do a lot of thinking. We address the mental aspects of the divorce process. We have a soul, and yes, there is a spiritual dimension to this journey. By honoring our soul, heart, and grieving our losses we bring a richness to ourselves and a lightness to our steps as we walk this path of divorce.

 

Through this book, you learn to make choices and new ways of looking at yourself, your marriage, your pain, your children and your spouse. You get to explore the possible benefits of these new ways. You will read advice from children of divorce and divorce attorneys. What they have to say is bluntly honest — and sometimes shocking.

 

 This book is written for people who are considering divorce or who are already in the midst of the divorce process. It is for those who have children from this or previous marriages. You don’t have to have chil­dren to gain a new perspective on divorce from this book, just please be aware that offspring are the focus of a lot of the language, exercises and writing. Children are too often the innocent victims of divorce, and this book seeks to reduce the grievous wounds that result.

 

During the writing of this book, I put out a survey to my family, friends and clients. It ended up going across the country. You will find that each section of each chapter starts with a quote from this survey. You will also see that each section of each chapter contains a tip or quote from a divorce attorney whom I interviewed in order to write this book.

 

The chapters in this book are fairly short on purpose, because at the end of each one the work is in the questions you are asked to answer, in the exercises or in the journaling. This “homework” forms the gateway to doing your divorce in your own unique way that promotes peace, not war, in your happier ever after.Throughout this book, I endeavor to share my best pieces of advice, my mistakes and inspiring lessons from my most significant teacher so that you may learn from them. My hope is that these chapters give you the hope and courage you need to make smart, tough choices during your divorce.

 

You need to go inside to find your own unique path, to discover what actions are right for you and your family. By using your own wisdom by going within yourself, you will find strength, courage, honor, integ­rity, compassion and heart. With these “virtues” you can accomplish anything in your life, including a healthy divorce, and do it in a way that is a genuine reflection of your beauty and your truth. Why? Because You Were In Love, Once Upon A Time.

I believe in you. It is time to believe in yourself. Good luck!
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Introduction

 

Just So You Know…
My heartfelt hope is to change the way divorce is done so that divorced parents can be tolerant, kind and compassionate with one another — for the sake of their children. The ultimate would be that they can honor the love that brought them together and created their family. Another of my hopes is that some day they can be grateful for the lessons they learned in the process and use that new knowledge to reinvent their lives to live a more magnificent life in the future.

 

So, here’s fair warning: I’m asking you to be willing to try a new way, because that’s what this book is all about. Divorce isn’t just your pain; your entire family suffers. This book offers a lot of help, but you have to be willing to learn and to grow.

 

This book might seem to focus on the disintegration of marriage and the demise of passion, but it is really all about love. If you were in love once, you can love again. Starting over is a challenge, but you can do it. What you desire and hope for in your life depends on how you open your heart to your potential, to re-invent yourself and to make lemon­ade out of the lemons of your failed marriage.

 

Doing your divorce well, becoming a better person, learning how not to sabotage your hopes and dreams is all part of the process and it will demand all of your strength, determination and imagination. You can live a great life after divorce and rebuild all that was lost. The choice is up to you — it’s all about love and preparing yourself to do much better with your new beginning.

 

Are you prepared to put your children’s needs, emotions and best in­terests as your number-one priority? Are you willing to make sure that your stuff doesn’t cloud your view of what is best for your children?

 

You will learn to build and hold new, safe and honorable boundaries with your children, family, friends and spouse. You will be challenged to find the good in what has gone bad and to examine your part in this story so that you can move forward with clarity of who you want to be in your future relationships. How can we teach our children to love others, to leave relationships in a healthy way and to forgive if we do not practice these principles our­selves? Children live and learn from our actions, not from our words.

 

Divorces are not for the weak of heart, but neither is marriage or par­enting. It is time to step into your true strength. Not the illusion of strength that comes with anger and rage. It is time to step into your wisdom. As the saying goes: it is time to be the person your dog thinks you are.
Take heart and read on.

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