Healing Blog

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Remember when you and your partner were first together? Life was like a passion explosion, right? OK, you were much younger, you didn’t have kids, you didn’t mind if he/she snored or scratched or whatevered. Now reality has taken over. Work, marriage, kids, bills and a poor economy have a way of raining on the fireworks within a relationship. Here’s the truth: the passion in your relationship can be better than it was in the beginning.

 I swear! Here’s how…

 Rule #1: Follow the Recipe. Trust + Sharing = Intimacy. Intimacy + Appreciation = Passion.

Passion in and out of the bedroom requires a foundation of trust. How do you increase the trust level of your relationship? Share. Speak your needs. I know, I know, after 20 years together, “they” should be able to read your mind. I know, I know. After five years together “they” should just know what to do, how to be and what you need to be happy. Sound like a load of crap? Well, it is. Don’t be afraid to ask for your needs to be met. Maybe you need to vent. Maybe you need more help with your family and the house. Asking for your partner to read your mind is setting them up for failure every time. Take the chance and be vulnerable. Speak your fears. Tell this person who loves you your fears about your body, or a friendship, or how you screwed up at work.

Let them in on your anxiety about parenting or being a “good” spouse to them. Let them know that you hate conflict and try to avoid it all costs, which gets you into trouble. Share. Build trust.

Do you have the Attitude of Annoyance with your partner or the Attitude of Gratitude? Can you only take in what they do wrong and the things they do that annoy the heck out of you? Shifting this attitude to one of appreciation takes work. For two weeks write down all of the things your partner says and does that say: “I Love You.” Do they bring you coffee? Do they pick up their underwear? Do they send you a loving text in the middle of the day? After spending 24/7 with a person for years, you can become blind to the small, wonderful gifts they give you every day.

Intimacy requires appreciating your partner (snoring, scratching and all) if you want to experience full-blown passion.

Rule #2: If you want more time in the bedroom, you need to spend more time together outside the bedroom. Have you gotten complacent? Is your idea of together time sitting in front of the TV after your kids have gone to bed? Do you take your partner out on dates anymore? Do you spend time as a couple doing things you like to do? I challenge both of you to spend more conscious time together. Hire a babysitter and enjoy your partner on a new level. Work out together. Take a ballroom dance or cooking class. Hike in one of the national parks. Join a book club or Bible study. Make Friday or Saturday nights date night. Dress up and go to Moe’s.

Rule #3: Laugh.

People who laugh more live longer. It’s the truth. Go to a funny movie. Tell a funny story from work. Share a funny YouTube video. Find humor in yourselves, your relationship, your kids and your life. There is plenty to laugh about.

Rule #4: Take Rules 1-3 to the Bedroom for Maximum Success. Build trust in the bedroom by sharing your needs and fears. Your needs might include: timing, sleep, words, touch. What are they? Fears and sexuality go hand in hand. What are you afraid to do? Take the laughter here too. Do a striptease, play a sexy board game, paint each other with chocolate and whipped cream.

You are now older and wiser. You know puppy love didn’t get you very far. You know that it’s no longer just about a beautiful body, but about a beautiful soul. Reinvent your passionate relationship this month. Step outside the box and try some new ways of being together.


Published in Middleburg Life. February 9, 2012

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Thursday, February 02, 2012 at 18:08 pm and is
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