I’m likewise an older treassnxual (55), now finally dealing head-on with a lifelong crisis that has been a source of steadily intensifying grief and anguish and self-loathing from the time i learned from my parents as a small boy that God does not make mistakes, and he made you a boy, and boys wear boy clothes and act like boys . I’ve spent most of my life since working to convince myself that if I only prayed harder, tried harder I could fix this, be the man God wanted me to be get my head on straight . It was only a couple of years ago, as a result of several pretty ugly events one after another, that I finally realized the desperate place I had come to and gave myself permission to look for resources and read (and read and read and read) and to get therapy. It was only then that I finally began to understand that this IS who I am and will always be, and begin to realize that I will never experience even the chance for real fulfillment in who I AM until i ACCEPT, and make peace with and to accommodate for, who I AM. It also become increasingly bittersweet as I watched those I loved and others around me find achieve their dreams and find happiness while I toiled on to hide and vilify and vanquish a core part of the essence of who I am. Of course I was truly happy for them, but increasingly despairing that I had been blessed with so many gifts of my own loving family, success in my career and various avocations including music but had never found inner peace as I continued to yearn for the me I didn’t believe I could have, the me I was convinced it was sinful to even desire.And here I am now my four children grown, my wife with a healthy income and greater job stability than I’ll likely ever experience again. On paper, I’m in a place where ethics should allow me to attend to my own needs. But it just isn’t that easy. I love my wife and family with all my heart and soul and don’t even want to even imagine life without them as an integral and active part of it. Sadly, even now, my relationship with each may already be mortally wounded regardless of what I do from here. And still, whether to proceed with transition is a horribly torturous decision. Just a flat out horrible tragedy. At what point is it appropriate to say, I’ve lived the life everyone else expected of me for 50 years and the burden of going on this way of living a lie, a non-authentic life, is destroying me I need this for me . It’s difficult from my loved ones to see my suffering this way for so long as noble or even a sacrifice. I don’t really get any credit for time served. None of my loved ones are giving me this space, and I fear I won’t be able to take it without their approval. Don’t know where all of this will end up, but there is an ever present ache in my heart that regardless of the direction I take from here, there will be great pain for all involved. I hope and pray that a day awaits where we might find a workable solution that preserves a healthy dose of love and acceptance all around, but I’m not holding my breath. Where I sit right now, ethics is somehow too removed and clinical a consideration for me I’m too consumed in the raw emotion and pain of it all

9 27 2014 Sat
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